I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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