there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
