I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
