I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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