I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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