Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
