we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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