i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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