remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
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