She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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