Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
