He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You are a genius and a whore.
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