I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
