JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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