i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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