sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
