I smell stomach acid.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
