I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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