I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
