I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
