Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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