we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
