I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
