Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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