If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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