is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
