Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
