Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
