we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
