when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
