Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
