We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
