also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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