I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
