its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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