The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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