Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
