3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
