It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
