Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
