so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
