In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
