she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
