I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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