Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
