Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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