mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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