Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
