Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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