i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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