So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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