so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
